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The Mummy Review

The Mummy Review

Tom Cruise takes on an ancient MILF (that’s Mummy) in a seen it all before Summer blockbuster that tries way too hard to set up a universe that few care to see. If you have to go watch a movie, this is technically a movie.

Everyone loves a good success, and when it comes to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, success is measured in buckets and buckets of cold, hard cash. Time to cue the copycats, because if there’s one thing that Hollywood loves more than success, it’s appropriating that success for monetary gain. Shared movie universes are all the rage.

And they should be. When done right, it opens up storytelling and gets people pumped for future installments. In a world where audiences crave sequels, why not give them that pseudo-sequel in a few months as opposed to years? Marvel is doing a great job; DC seems to be getting there. That brings us to Universal’s Dark Universe. It feels like a copy of a copy of a copy. Did we learn nothing from Michael Keaton in Multiplicity?

Tom Cruise stars as Tom Cruise, a (Army? Was it Army?) vague military guy whom is a specialist in grave robbing, which is apparently a career path. He’s sent to help a bland archeologist unleash a mummy so that the movie can unfold. You know, the inciting incident. And that’s part of the issue here. You can see all of the gears turning, as if there was a screenwriting checklist with items being crossed off as the story unfolds. Cheeky but useless sidekick? Check. Boring romance between two leads with zero chemistry? Check. Bad guy (or girl, in this case) hell-bent on destruction because it all looks so very cool in marketing materials? You better believe that’s a check!

The action is boring. The horror isn’t scary. The romance is flat. Even Cruise himself looks as if he’s just in it for that sweet backend paycheck.

Don’t forget about that Dark Universe, of which there should most definitely be a trademarked “TM” hovering at the end. The movie isn’t going to let you forget, as Russel Crowe pops up as Dr. Jekyll, who has put together a group of superheroes to avenge, wait, wrong movieverse. Somewhere a single tear runs down the cheek of Sean Connery, as he screams “this should have been my franchise, damnit!” Yes, the similarities with The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen are present, and I suspect the box office take will be of further resemblance.

There’s a mummy thrown in too, giving Cruise a reason to run from set piece to set piece. It was very reminiscent of last year’s Suicide Squad villain; a lot of destruction with little motivation. Again, nothing interesting here, just a wrapped up corpse that’s pretty hot when she’s not rotting.

It’s interesting that The Mummy will be facing off with Wonder Woman, a movie that has been widely praised for it’s strong female protagonist. This new, gender swapped mummy could have been an interesting character study in weaponized sex but unfortunately what we get is the usual femme fatale. Another boring element and wasted opportunity to do something interesting.

This is the epitome of what we’ve come to expect from this kind of Summer flick. Forced action, bored actors, and plot points started only to be finished by future movies that may or may not happen. By the looks of things, I’d wager that this Dark Universe won’t last beyond the next flop.

Suggested entertaining alternative to seeing this movie: wrap yourself in toilet paper and then shuffle around the neighborhood while moaning. Way more fun.

About The Author

One of the guys responsible for this Radio Free Radio debacle, Matt enjoys giving up all of his free time to keep this ship from sinking. In his spare time he can be found sobbing in the corner or finding creative ways to blame it all on Justin.

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