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I, Shakespeare, Will predict the Presedential election results with 100% accuracy

I, Shakespeare, Will predict the Presedential election results with 100% accuracy

The process by which we choose the leader of the free world is very, very important — and long. Like, crazy-stupid long. It’s so long that at some point you start to wonder whether we should just be rational and settle these things via violence or coin-flips for efficiency’s sake. But we’re Americans, we don’t settle our political conflicts with violence much anymore as much as we used to and we certainly wouldn’t entrust our sacred democracy to a device that frat boys use to see who will pay the tab — Unless you’re in Iowa, in which case, flipping a coin to get the hell out of dodge somehow makes sense for a presidential election. It takes a whole year to decide who our next leader will be and this is excruciating because as Americans, we’re not programmed to pay attention to anything longer than a TV season.<

Basically it’s like being forced to watch a year long season of The Bachelor  on CNN with less attractive people.

Not only is the process long but it also has outdated rules that don’t make much sense  anymore. Rules that are then interpreted by narrowly trained officials with little to no clue and little to no oversight. Imagine watching a season of baseball with NFL refs — twice and you have our political process down pat. So, in an effort to help you all get on with your lives or lack thereof (netflix?), I will reveal the true 2016 presidential results in advance.

The True results are as follows:

  • Someone will win, that someone will get a lot of shit done in the first year and the last year. In between they will go gray at a freakishly unnatural pace.
    Most of you will be happy that someone won, because mathematically….. never mind. Less of you will not be happy. In 3 years these folks will switch places.
  • A few of you will see that someone won and say,  ” You’re finally proud to be American”
    The rest of you will hear those few and think, “Dumb-ass.” The rest of you will be right.
  • A few of you will see that someone won and say, “That’s it, I’m moving out of America!”
    Those few will only make it as far as a Google search because that’s all it takes to see that Canada is hella far and ridiculously cold. and their football is weird.
  • And over the course of four years, Someone will do some smart things and even more dumb things but the country will somehow get by, as its always done, because we, as Americans have a secret weapon — The power to elect Someone Else.

So chill out people, odds are good that no matter the president, the union will survive. If you don’t understand that, then you don’t fully appreciate how truly crazy/corrupt/inept some of our past presidents have been and we just keep on truckin’. We’re resilient — hell, Lincoln broke the country in half on purpose and we still bear the scars of a complicated racial legacy today it’s almost like it never even happened.


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